A client had this small nugget she dumped in my lap when we had a call once.
Since our calls are usually around death and taxes, we start it off enquiring about the children, the grandkids, the extended family, the struggles, the whoo-whoo, politics, the weather, and whatever else, to put off the conversation about death and taxes.
This one particular call, she dropped it in there, ‘If you loved yourself, what would you do’.
To say it startled me to silence is not exactly how it was. It was worse.
My brain froze. My tongue went numb. And I doubted my hearing.
Let’s call her Suzie.
‘What would you do in this moment, right now, if you loved yourself?’
Suzie giggled nervously.
Thinking back now, I think the question surprised her as well.
When my brain finally decided to work again, I thought, quit. Close the business. Resign from all the clients I had. Move the extended family back to where they came from. And quit.
Since Suzie was my client, I couldn’t exactly tell her that!
Fear is a disconcerting thing.
- What if she fired me as her service provider if she knew the truth?
- Where will I get money from?
- Who will help the disabled family?
These were some of the questions that rambled through my mind.
‘Nearly 100% of the time when I feel overwhelmed and bogged down and I ask myself ‘what would I do if I loved myself?’ the answer comes back ‘nothing’. And nearly all of the situations it was exactly what I had to do, nothing. It sorted out in the end.’ Suzie went on to explain.
My mind rattled on with this uncomfortable revelation. We got through the call. We finalised the taxes. And we said our goodbyes to continue the conversation in a year again.
Fast forward nearly a year, and I’m on the phone with Suzie again. Yes. It’s death and taxes time.
We go through the normal ramblings about the children, the grandkids, the extended family, the struggles, the whoo-whoo, politics, the weather and whatever else to put off the usual inevitable conversation about death and taxes.
‘It feels the harder I work, the less I have to show. I think all of us feel this way.’
Don’t you just feel the exhaustion from these simple and honest words?
As is my usual way, I blurted out, ‘What would you do, if you loved yourself?’
Those simple words helped Suzie to get quiet at that moment.
What Suzie didn’t know at this time was how much that single question helped me with various difficult times that were forced on me the preceding year.
Every time I felt exhausted or drained or just ready to quit, I would ask myself ‘What would I do if I loved myself?’
Every time I wanted to violently dispose of an obstacle, I would ask myself ‘What would I do if I loved myself?’
Every time I felt a bit volatile and emotional or my insomnia-riddled mind gave me wool when I asked for clarity, I would ask myself ‘What would I do if I loved myself?’
I can say with absolute conviction that every time, the answer was nothing.
Nothing sometimes looked like shutting down the computer. Or take a nap. Or postpone a meeting. Or cancel a meeting altogether. Or ignore a phone call. Or answer a message later.
How did I know that nothing wasn’t just laziness or abdication or an excuse? How did I know that nothing was just ignoring what I didn’t want to deal with? Or just a bad habit?
Because, every time, nothing was the best solution to the problem. My actions, words and solution would have prolonged the drama, complicated the outcome or postponed the inevitable. More information also became available in some situations that allowed me and my co-conspirators to study all of what was available.
Doing nothing is sometimes the quickest path to peace and wisdom. Both conditions from which we as humans can think clearly. We do our best work from a place of peace and wisdom.
Doing nothing saved my skin a few times as well. A hasty decision. A mistake. A dodged bullet.
From the obvious theme of the question, loving myself, I’m surprised at the pause it brings to me. Not only am I confronted with loving or hating on myself in the moment but I pause.
Before I continue any more, I can’t take the credit for this tool. I’m gaining nothing from sharing this with you just proposing a tool to help in moments of stress or struggle. My client Suzie went on to work through the course by Eilat Aviram. You can find more information about Eilat and her work on her website ifilovedmyself.com. Here the loving yourself part is explained and developed as the writer of the book and course intended. Please have a look if you so please.
Back to nothing…
Asking myself ‘What would I do if I loved myself?’ has helped me create that distance between the problem and my thoughts and actions.
It’s helped me to get to know myself. It’s helped me to focus on myself.
Through pausing and stepping back, I’m learning the ways to love myself. Too many times we push through stuff that brings harm to our very being. Harm we seldom realise we inflicted until much later.
Prevention is better than cure, is the adage. And truer words are seldom remembered. Most of our harm we brought to ourselves. Sometimes unknowing such as childhood trauma when our loved ones neglect their responsibility in teaching us certain things.
As adults though, we have the reigns in our own hands and are we responsible for the harm we do to ourselves. Harm which we also do unknowingly because we don’t slow down. We don’t pause. We don’t move from a place of love, peace and wisdom.
I’ve always wanted to get to this place that Stephen R Covey wrote about in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families ‘Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.’
Nothing has become the symbolism for the gap or space to calm down, to get back to the now where life actually happens instead of in the future, bogged down by what is not even there yet and almost never is! Or the past where we are powerless to change it and just learn from it.
So I’m curious…what would you do if you loved yourself?
**Please send me an email with your feedback at anne@annecwest.co.za. Comments vanish and get missed, hence emails.**
